Okay, serious question. Please answer without being judgemental.

[customerserviceguy]

3. Well, Alexander Graham Bell is dead

Oh, sorry, you asked for no judgementalism, but I had to get that in there.

I would imagine that since the wires contain very low voltage at any time, anyone who had cabling knowledge (and we're not talking about an electrician here) would be able to do it. You certainly can ask the telephone company to do it for you, but don't be surprised if they're either not enthusiastic about it, orbi refer you to somebody expensive that they get a kickback from. They really are trying to get out of the landline business, it's too expensive to maintain the infrastructure, and too many people are opting out of traditional landline service, especially when they move. And the old folks who don't want any other way are dying off.

I'd find someone on TaskRabbit who has experience with Ethernet lines to do it. Not every business wants its information on Wi-Fi, they prefer the security of a wired Intranet. Chances are, you'll find an IT professional who took a cabling class like I did, who will be happy to do the work as a side hustle.

And sorry to hear about your critters, we had quite a problem a few years ago, but we had already gone to cell-only by that point. These little bastards were eating food out of the pantry.