The worst of my "break" is over with so I'm not likely to be doing any more binge drinking or other extremely stupid stuff like that. I am still eating way too much as that's one of the things I do when anxious but I'm not totally fucking panicking like I was a few days ago. I tend to have these nervous breaks. I call them "nervous breaks" for lack of a better term because they are sort of like psychotic breaks, sudden crisis in which I will set out and do stupid self destructive things (eat, drink spend too much money) only completely lacking in any psychotic traits or behavior. They aren't panic attacks either as they last a few days. What will happen is that I will get into a place where I feel cornered by life circumstances. Usually I feel there are responsibilities and expectations that I have to fulfill and I suddenly realize that I'm not in the right mental space to be able to continue / fulfill them. For example at school I felt I was trapped by several things, I was in the dorms at the time and that made it difficult to back out, I was in a group project that was working on an industry assigned assignment (I felt responsible to the other group members and the industry contact), I felt the pressure to understand the material, I felt the responsibility to uphold my image in the classroom as the "intelligent" easy going one so to speak (inside I was a roiling mess of anxiety but I had the opposite external reputation). All these perceived "responsibilities", I place that in quotes as I know I put this on myself, made me feel trapped. I couldn't go forward and I couldn't go back. So over the weekend I panicked and just dropped everything. I've done it before so I should have seen it coming, I did a few days before but it was too late by then.
I'm going to be speaking with my psychiatrist in a few days to see what lies ahead for me. I don't want to think about it till then as I only panic again when I do. I've got a short term script for Ativan that I've filled just to get me through some of the worst of it.
Again thanks for the support!
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