I cannot hold my hand in the position needed to play the instrument. My knuckle pops out of its socket and my hand locks if I try to close my hand that much and apply pressure. It is not a matter of 'reduced ability'. I cannot do it anymore. I cannot grip chopsticks anymore for the same reason. I cannot make much jewelry anymore for the same reason. Add to that the mental issue, whatever it is. I can't keep time worth a crap anymore. I get lost. I used to perform for ten hours. One hour that was just myself and then from ten pm till dawn with the band. I doubt I could stand for an hour, let alone perform with a guitar and sing. I tried to sing one song all the way through the other day and could not do it.
That is what I mean when I say I am done. Whatever it was that I had, it is gone. And, I am empty because of it. I am a performer. I live to create entertainment. The industry became a business and I am not a business person. Then, my body started to fall apart. I tried to change careers and that just turned into a shitshow. My body got worse. I have gone from someone who used to hike for days to someone who takes a thirty minute stroll and then has to lay down and take a nap. I don't have a degree in anything. I have taught people who have had them. I have corrected many mistakes of people who have had them, and all the while they made much more than what I made, because I never had enough money to pay a college to make me a nice paper that says I know what I know.
That has been the issue with my entire life. All anyone ever wants from me is money and I have never felt it was that damned important, so I never have any. So, now my husband pays the price because I can't be dependable anymore. I used to be the one who fixed things. Now, I cannot. Wonderful.
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