It is to laugh - CAUTION! If Bawdy Humor offends you, please don''t read any farther.
Caution! IF Bawdy Humor offends you, please don''t read any farther.
This post from a back in the 80s BBS (Bulletin Board System) is all text and deals with something we ALL do, whether anyone admits to it...believe it or not!
It has to do with releasing or passing "gas" - human type!
The subject is quite "aromatic" but may be a bit too "Bawdy" for some.
If you may be offended by the word "fart" please don't view this post.
On the other hand, if you want to laugh until you may "pass some gas", enjoy.
(By the way, there IS another list that VERY DEFINITIVELY DEFINES what could be the "ultimate results" of what this one deals with. Maybe in the future if there are few complaints???)
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Last chance to stop reading!
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The Fart List
SILENT BUT DEADLY (SBD) FART:
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the
occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal
investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.
EGGY FART:
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor
which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bun
buster.
WINDY FART:
The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little
like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
GROWLING FART:
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never
meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
WORRYING FART:
The kind which seems to be a Fart right up to the point at which you
release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid
for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next
possible opportunity.
PRELUDE TO A POOP:
You feel like you have got a large Beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker
fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest
you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
COMPOST FART:
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the
garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost
fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have
company.
BEEFY ONE:
Sounds loud, and butch e.g.....g.. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like a
mixture of rotting meat and a dogturd.
PRESENT (a.k.a 'TIME I WASN'T HERE' FART):
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poop as a
housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't
in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting
of course, you're screwed.
SQUEAKY FART:
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.
BUNBUSTER FART:
'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much
more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole
smarting. You really feel these babies.
TROUSER RIPPING SPECIAL:
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This
fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone
sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
ESCAPE POD FART:
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as
possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as
discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30
seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough
and gag. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
BREWERY FART:
You try to push a brewery fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged
deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of
gaseous landmark.
SPHINCTAL NAPALM:
Tends to occur a few hours after a 5-alarm chili or nuclear wings.
Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain
you know it must have left.
STALKER FART:
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people
the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the
room, but Kowabunga, dude! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and
you are duly criticized for poor manners.
BURBLE FART:
Bubbly!
ON THE SPOT FART:
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.
NOT NOW! (a.k.a ANAL CONTROL FART):
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to
your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other
such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that
you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside.
Success depends on a number of factors, but Murphys law tends to win out in
the end.
HYDRATED FLATULATION (a.k.a WET FART):
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a
cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little
bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
GNL FART:
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay
where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...
GNL II FART:
You take a gamble that it's going to be a small quiet odor free fart, but
it's actually more like an explosion and there is no doubt that you are the
stinker.
UNDERWATER FART:
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a
nuclear sub. Can be smelled on rising to the surface, and experienced
windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to
light them.
GUNSHOT FART:
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact
they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. Onereport
continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and
almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me
at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named."
A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their
existance.
TANDEM FART:
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be
recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable
by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being
pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the front-seater farts and the
back-seatersmells it. As you can imagine, the fart must be extremely strong
to compete with the wind and to get to the back-seater's nose. Extremely
disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but
they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
STOLEN FART:
Someone else lets it, but it's so good that you claim it.
THE DOG FART:
You let a fart so big, that you have to blame it on the dog.
THE TWIST-OF-FATE DOG FART:
The dog lets a fart so big that everyone blames it on you!
Somehow 'The dog did it' just doesn't cut the mustard.
SILENT BUT VIOLENT FART:
This type of fart is not heard, but will cause facial hair to disintegrate,
nasal passages to blister from the burn, eyes to water, and nausea.
BLIND DATE FART (a.k.a On the spot Fart):
Happens while you are on a blind date or meeting new people. While getting
to know each other, looking your best, and putting your best face forward
-BRRAAMP- You pray that it wasn't heard, and try to play it off while
others look uncomfortable.
SHOW OFF FART:
A fart that you purposly give off to show what a loud smelly one you can
make.
BARKING SPIDER FART:
A non-smelling fart which occurs in a crowded place. The farter cannot be
identified and the sound is therefore blamed on a 'Barking Spider'.
CRACKER JACK FART:
Just like the well known caramel-covered treat, the Cracker Jack fart comes
with a surprise in it --and off you go to the bathroom walking funny and
hoping they are not out of toilet paper.
THE BOWL FART:
While squatting on the bowl, anticipating the arrival of a brown trout your
gut blazes a trail for it by blowing a massive blast. The deep dish and
hollow bowl allow for a nice reverb effect.
LONELY FART:
This is the type you do when you're on your own, so you don't care about
the smell or the noise. Usually provoked.
LOUD AND DEADLY FART:
Like the silent but deadly fart -except it is heard by everyone, and it
will cause people to faint.
FLUTTERBUSTER FART:
Farting while seated on a vinyl covered surface.
MORNING FART:
The first thing out of bed fart. Long, loud, and not too smelly.
WALKING FART:
The kind that makes a little sound every time you take a step.
SHOWER FART:
That unwanted fart that occurs right after you walk out of the shower
feeling fresh and nice. These usually leave a warm sensation to be
cherished.
ONE CHEEK SNEAK FART:
This fart happens when you put your weight on one butt cheek and lift the
other up. This is totally silent but often have disasterous results about
two minutes later -everyone faints in that room.
SILENT....BUT EGGY FART:
The kind of fart you do when you're with a crowd. It is silent, but stinks
like a rotten egg.
ASS BLASTER FART:
Like an M80 exploding in your ass.
TIMEX FART:
Very rare fart, lasting at least 10 minutes -if not longer. A variation on
the theme, the Acuse Fart is roughly the same but smells worse, and so you
get the blame.
MARIOS JUMP FART:
Named after the famous and acclaimed Mario Jump, which, well, ..you know...
sounds like Mario's Jump -TOUUNG. Rather Quiet. A favorite of
Nintendoplayers.
BANANA FART:
A roughly silent fart that squeaks out an odorous gas that smells like a
rotten smelly old banana. (See COMPOST FART).
BANANANA FART:
As above, but longer.....
GOBBLE FART:
Sounds like a turkey gobbling....
THE INTERROGATIVE FART:
Starts out low, and rises in pitch towards its conclusion. Sounds like your
ass is asking a question.
COMPUTER FART:
The kind where you are playing on the computer, and it just slips out.
CHURCH HYMN FART:
The kind where you're siting in church, you bend over to pick up a hymn
book, and -PBBBBBBT!!!- a giant fart rips out. Fate dictates that you are
sitting next to an old lady, who will scoot down the bench, looking
disgusted.
SIDE NOTE: Confucious say, Man Who Fart In Church, Sit In Own Pew.
DIFFICULT TO LET OUT FART:
In company you feel the strong urge to fart, but people are around you, so
you squeeze your asshole to stop an explosion -preferring to slowly open
and squeeze the hole in quick succession, to let the gas escape silently.
PUMPKIN FART A warm, dry, fart that smells like an old Jack-O-Lantern. An
aroma pleasing to the creator, but one which will clear a large room.
THE ATOM BOMB FART:
The atom bomb fart is loud as heck, and it smells bad too. Also results in
a big explosion, and everyone falls to the ground.
FLAPPING FLUTTER FART:
This one's an earthshaker, but not too deadly on the odor side. It's
distinguished by its long and loud flutter sound, and its marked vibrations
are felt by all who are on the same bed or sofa.
FLORAL FLATULANTS:
These olfactic confections are typically generated when on vacation in
tropical destinations. They are formed from the vacationer's new diet of
wild fruit drinks, coconut oils, and various local foods. They are very
unique, and to the expulsion expert they are among the most pleasant
scented. Some have often tried to bottle this scent, but it cannot be
captured!
REALLY GOOD FAKE FART:
Someone make a noise that sounds like a fart and blames it on you or
someone else.
ALCOHOL FUNNY CAR FART:
Right after you have a bunch of alchohol, you let one loose. Sounds like a
dragster idling at the starting line.
UNKNOWN FART:
The kind where you don't know who did it -but it has a rotten smell.
THE NEVER ENDING FART:
This is the fart that doesn't end...
Yes it goes on and on my friends...
George S. started it, not knowing what it was
And he'll continue farting it,
forever just because..
(repeat as many times as you can)
EXPLODING MOUSE FART:
While trying to hold it in, some gas gets out making a squeak noise, and
since relieving yourself a little bit felt so good, you let the rest out in
a huge BRAP! Resulting in the exploding mouse effect...
HERSHEY SQUIRT:
Feels like a silent burst of air but suprisingly you have a scrumptiously,
gooey, squirty suprise.
TOOT-UNCOMMON:
This fart is one that happens when you are asleep and therefore not in
control. Like the mummy of the famous Egyptian ruler, you lie still while
it rips out. The sound may not awaken you, but the smell surely will,
particularly after a nite at the pub. Egyptian theme can be carried further
if you trap your partner under the covers and cause him/her to share in the
experience, much like the burial of an egyptian queen in the same tomb.
FAMILY STYLE FART:
Sounds homemade (not like mothers cooking) Is a loud 'pppppuuuuuuufffff'
and an explosion like no other.
TIMID FART:
Short, sweet, petite, not much odor, and not much air.
THE PHISH FART:
When this bad boy erupts it has a catch of the day scent. I got a big one!
BURP 'N' FART:
It's when you burp and fart at the same time -but it dosn't happen often.
LAUGHING FART:
When you are laughing so hard at something you fart, and you can't deny it
cause everyone heard it and you might as well admit your guilt!
IT'S STUCK!! FART:
Usually a timid fart (not much air) and while your sitting down, but when
you let it out, it sticks between the cheeks as a tiny air bubble. And no
matter how hard you try, you just can't pop the sucker out, no matter how
hard you squeeze.
HAD TO poop BUT ONLY FARTED FART:
You run to the bathroom with the urge to purge and you let her rip, only to
find that you had a huge fart. If other people are in the bathroom (public
restroom you sicko's) you are really embarrassed.
GLAD IT WASN'T MINE FART:
SO nasty in smell, odor, and sound, that you have to thank God it it didn't
come from your behind!
THE SYNCRONIOUS FART:
More than one person farts in sync. Sounds neat sometimes.
DELAYED REACTION FART:
You have the urge, but it goes away. You go on about your business and a
few seconds, or longer, later, 'BBRRMMPHH'....
HORROR MOVIE SCARE FART:
You're watching your favorite horror movie, or a new one, and by either
suspense or fright, you let one rip!
FOGGY WINDOW FART:
You're sitting in the car at night or early in the morning, and after some
time of getting the windows defogged, someone has to fart and fog the
windows back up.
THE SMALL FART:
It's the kind of fart where you just hear a 'beep'.
INDEPENDANCE DAY FART:
Such an explosive whopper that it sends everyone screaming out of the city
center.
ALZHEIMER FART:
This fart is normally associated with the elderly. The fart is very audible
yet the farter just continues with whatever activity or conversation he or
she happened to be engaged in as if it had never happened. It makes you
wonder if they actually realized they did it.
BUTT ROCKET FART:
This scary but predictable fart is provoked by eating large quantities of
fast food at one sitting. It doesn't make any appreciable noise until it is
just about through. It is similar to the worrying fart inasmuch as the
necessity to check your shorts for a stain is imminent. The smell is
similar to that of a small child you just picked up and discovered that
they poo pood in their pants an hour or two earlier.
HAYFEVER FART:
Basically, you fart at the same time you sneeze.
MIGRATING FART:
This fart sneaks out of your butt and remains there feeling about the size
of a walnut or small tomato. It is when you sit up in a more erect posture
that you feel it inch it's way upward between the crack of your ass until
the crack stops. The fart then apparently dissipates somewhere behind your
back or perhaps inside your shirt.
AK47-FART:
Strangely enough, sounds like someone shoved an AK47 up your ass. Let it
rip, 'cos it goes on for a while.
TENSION BREAKER FART:
Usually during a test or some stressful meeting where everyone is
concentrating, and someone in the room lets a fart that, rather than making
people gag, makes everyone laugh. Then of course, if it was at school,
people start imitating it.
POLITE FART:
You feel the urge and excuse yourself to the other room where you politely
let her rip.
THE INTERROGATIVE FART:
Starts out low and rises in pitch toward its conclusion. Sounds like your
ass is asking a question.
PIGGYBACK FART:
Only occurs in those situations where it would be a 'personal disaster' to
fart (e.g. crowded room, business meeting). You are holding onto this bad
boy for dear life when suddenly someone else drops a LOUD one. Before the
noise of this one has finished you let rip a fast a possible so both farts
sound as one. This is easy if you are near the other person, if not then
start talking loudly about the amazing echos in the room.
POINT BLANK FART:
A point blank fart is a prank done on a unsuspecting victim by pointing
your ass toward the victim's face. This is successfully accomplished when
the victim is sleeping or watching TV. Likely victims are siblings,
spouses, and in-laws.
STEALTH FART:
A stealth fart is similar to the point blank fart but uses the
silent-but-deadly fart. Very effective when your bored at a party. Just
when your ready to release your SBD, you would walk toward a group of
guests and then release your payload and slowly walk away. Then the guests
won't know what hit them when your payload reaches equilibrium.
BUBBLE BOBBLE FART:
This type of fart occurs while one is sitting. As one sits down, a gaseous
bubble fart pokes out just a little bit under ones butt to cause a rocking
sensation, as if one is sitting on a beach ball.
PRORR-WOOORT FART:
That's the nice, long, modulated sound it makes... Best achieved with pants
down!
BUBBLE-O-BILL FART:
In the shower, cup your hands around your trouser trumpet, fill up with
water, and blast away! Kinda sounds like a cappucino machine.
LIQUID FART:
It happens when the fart comes out in such a form that it feels like some
sort of diarrhea -even if it isn't.
THE I-LOVE-YOU FART:
The kind of fart that sounds like "I luv u" in Arabic!
BUTTRIPPER FART:
The kind that comes out so fast and hard that it rips your cheeks apart and
makes you cry for all hell. And it smells horribly too!
CAMO-FART:
If you're sitting in class one day, and suddenly a little squeek pops out,
and if someone asks you if you had just farted, be sure that your desk is
tuned properly so that it may squeek at the same frequency as your fart.
Then tell the person that it was your desk.
BALLSY FART/GUTSY FART:
You're in a predicament where you would have to be gutsy in order to let it
go...I let 'em rip
"GREETINGS!" FART:
You let one rip as a greeting or a way to say, "Hi!"
FLATUHOLICS ANONYMOUS:
A program to help people addicted to flatulence.
OW OW OW OW OW FART:
OH, MAN!! Does this one BURN!!
What kind of farter are you?
DISHONEST FARTERS
they who fart and then blame the dog
FOOLISH FARTERS
they who keep their farts inside
PROMPT FARTERS
they who always have a fart ready
MISERABLE FARTERS
they who cannot fart
STRATEGIC FARTERS
they who fart and cough at the same time
CLEVER FARTERS
they who fart and cough at the same time
DISAPPOINTED FARTERS
those whose farts do not emit odor
ACUTE FARTERS
those whose fart smells indicate their recent diet
MEAN FARTERS
those who fart in bed and shake covers over spouse - this is not
recommended)
VAIN FARTERS
they who love the smell of their own farts
AMIABLE FARTERS
they who love the smell of others farts
CONFIDENT FARTERS
they who let out really loud farts
SHY FARTERS
those who let out silent farts
SCIENTIFIC FARTERS
those who bottle their own farts
UNFORTUNATE FARTERS
those who start to fart but poop instead
NERVOUS FARTERS
those who stop in mid fart
HONEST FARTERS
they who confess to the fart
JEALOUS FARTERS
they who claim the farts of others
INSECURE FARTERS
they who compare their fart quality to others
THE FARTERS FARTER
those rare farters whose farts clear moving vehicles