How do I get through this?

[slightlv]

My problem is my hubby is decompensating faster than I expected. He's always had a horrible memory, but I'm scared to death for him. Send him to the grocery store with a list and you never know what he'll come back with. Last week he cleaned our checking and savings account by falling for a gift card scam. While I'm still trying to dig out of this hole with help from friends and my grandson, I came in today to find him on the phone to someone getting ready to change our insurance carrier. I told him, in a very loud voice, that we're NOT changing insurance people. For the first time in my life, I have an all female agency and they help me when we have issues making a payment all at once. We're on SS and a very small annuity I got when I retired. Any disposable income is spent on food for us and the cats. And then I repeated in a loud enough voice to be heard via the phone that we are NOT changing companies! Reminded him again NOT to click on any ad on the internet without checking with me first. At least he was on his way to find me when he told me what was going on. I worry now constantly about him, and I'm going through a depression (?)... I can't really call it that, I don't have the luxury of one. But I don't want to lose my husband, and I feel like I am, even with him right here. I honestly don't think this is Alzheimer's. I believe its just "normal" aging, with no help from the heavy drugs he used when he was a kid, nor electric shock treatments he had for schizophrenia when he was young.

Years ago, we split up the household duties, since my work was a lot more time-consuming than his. One of the things I left for him to do was pay the bills when they came in. At this point, we had money I'd saved up in our savings account, and he'd gotten some from mineral rights he sold. That was over a decade ago and that money's all gone. All we have is our month-to-month, and one more time like he's put me through right now I'm afraid is going to me over the edge. So, I've taken back all the bill paying (since I discovered he hadn't paid electric for 3 months), and switched just about everything to online pay. I've got a problem with one institution I've tried paying. It's happened twice in the last 6 months, although I've been paying them the same way for years and years (almost 2 decades!). They say the debit isn't honored by my bank. I finally went through paypal, and I got a "reminder" notice of the due date (that I'd just paid). I'm hoping that is crossing online payments, but between trying to get that straight and picking up the pieces hubs left me I'm bonkers. I've put us on a $180 budget until the 9th, when our SS checks get deposited. I don't get any push back from him on anything about this, he's a really sweet guy who'd give you the shirt off his back, even if it was the last one he had. And he's a feminist as much as any man can be. He's supported me as I've taken jobs paying less simply because I was female in a male's field. IOW, I love him to pieces. I'm just not ready to lose him mentally and intellectually. Our minds are what brought us together in the first place. I feel so bad for him. I may be reaching for words and now and then, but I know how much it scares me and I can readily imagine how it feels to him.

Anyone else in this situation? How are you handling it -- both for him and for yourself? I'd readily accept ideas and advice on how ya'll get along. One thing's for sure... this aging stuff isn't for the feint of heart!

[msongs]

1. perhaps if you shared your general location there might be more response nt

[TommyT139]

2. Wishing you all well

Just a heads up - PayPal does not transmit money immediately, although they take it out fast enough. Check your PayPal and utility (or whatever) statement to find out how long until it shows up as paid.

[slightlv]

13. Thanks! I'd already planned to do some research, you gave me a place to start! n/t

[marybourg]

3. When my late DH started becoming confused due to Parkinson's, he did

realize it, and was happy to let me handle everything. He even told doctors:”Don’t tell me. Tell my wife”.

When he went into assisted living, he relinquished being a trustee of our revocable trust, so that he could not be scammed out of that money while I was not around. Do you have his power of attorney? You should, but he should not have yours. Maybe you could consider having your SS check deposited into an account in your name only and his SS checks moved to an account in your name only, after it’s deposited into his by the government. This will only really be helpful if he believes he has no money and has to defer to you on spending decisions. It sounds like he might be the kind of guy who could go along with this. He would also have to not answer the phone, but let any legitimate calls be returned by you.

This is a painful situation for both of you. You will have to be very strong. Good luck!

[slightlv]

14. I hate to go to those lengths, but I'm holding them in my

head very seriously. Today, he thought he had a great idea to save money by changing the cats' gushy food. Even tho I'd told him many times you can't do that to cats, and the cats didn't like the cat food that he buys trying to save money. In turn, it ends up wasting money and the cats are unhappy. I had just woke up when he laid this on me, and I think I spoke a bit more forcefully than I normally would. Felt horrible about it, and apologized when he got back from getting more of their Fancy Feast. Right now, we're living on the cash I have in my wallet. This makes it a bit more "real" for him than paying for things on a debit card. My thoughts have been to take out a budgeted amount in cash for us to use each week, and putting the debit cards up and away from him. Like a credit card, which we don't use, it's way too easy to just think the money is "in there." And he feels okay when I tell him to go get the money from my wallet.

I need to have a good old-fashioned sit down with him and get some of this out of me and to him, trying to bring him into possible solutions. I'm not at all thinking of an assisted living, at least, not while my grandson is living with us. As things begin to see a light at the end of this horrible immediate tunnel, I've had two nights in a row where I didn't wake up screaming from night terrors. At some point, I think I need to see a counselor to help me with my fear and grief. But I still blame a large part of the night terrors on trump... when you wake up screaming obscenities about trump, it's hard not to blame a large part of the fear on he who dealt it. I do swear, there are many of us living with PTSD from living the last decade under trumps evil influence.

[keithbvadu2]

4. 1+

[HeartsCanHope]

5. I don't really have anything helpful to say except I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You and your husband will be in my thoughts. Take care.

[Tess49]

6. Change the password to your checking and savings accounts.

Set up automatic payments for monthly payments like utilities. This will protect your money. Give him cash to shop with. Do not give him a bank debit card. He cant be scammed if the scammers have no access to your funds. Hope this helps a little.

[slightlv]

15. Actually, you and I think a lot alike.

The cash part I've already instituted, simply because (at least to me) hard cash makes it easier to live within than an amorphous debit card. We don't have credit cards to use (other than my Amazon, used only on Amazon). Passwords to the accounts are no problem. We can only check on the bank account thru my computer. And he can't remember any passwords, and can't get into my system, anyway. I'm against auto payments simply because I can't consistently depend on the dates they get deducted. With as little money as we deal with each month, it'd be way too easy for one autopay to step on another's toes. I do have some small streaming on autopay, but anything that deals with amounts over $50, I'll be paying myself. Grandson helps, in that he helps me keep track beyond my Excel spreadsheet. And all the tech is way over my hubby's head. So that, actually, helps.

[Tess49]

22. I understand your concerns about auto pay. My auto pays are for my utilities, and are posted on the due date of the bill

Nice to have a grandchild who can help. I have two that help me out a lot. One of them fixed my computer from his house. Me: "How in the world did you do that?" Him: "I came in through a back door." He's a computer nerd, which has paid off for him in scholarships in IT. Because I'm technically impaired, I am amazed by his ability.

[TommyT139]

21. At first

At first I thought,"But would be remember the passwords?" Then I thought that the password might be saved on a computer that he has access to.

I learn so much on this site - thanks to all for the sharing of hard-won wisdom.

[BrianTheEVGuy]

7. Sending you love

These gift card scams and other scams targeting seniors are almost entirely in India and were supposed to be eliminated when the implementation of STIR/SHAKEN phone protocols… yet more scam calls are happening than ever before.

The Indian government makes no effort to stop the scams; we should consider simply disconnecting the Indian phone network from ours as a sanction until they clean up their scammers.

So many good vulnerable people get taken in by those scumbags and I’m so tired of reading stories like yours about being taken advantage of by them.

[slightlv]

16. The one hubby gotten taken in by has claimed a LOT of people here in the Midwest.

The investigator we met with said that he had 50 complaints he personally was dealing with, just in this year alone. They're out of control and infuriate me. And they're getting so much more intense and personal. I can't think like a criminal, digital or IRL. I can just fume! This one that got hubby and is going over so "well" here in the Midwest has them posing as FBI. Anyone prone to automatically submit to authorities is in danger, and hubby is scared to death of authority figures. Luckily, I'm just as prone to cuss them out as I am to give them a nice hello.

[calimary]

8. At least you can vent here.

Any time of day or night.

Do it. Others will see your story and that increases the likelihood of getting some smart suggestions. There are two in this thread alone that sound like they’d be helpful.

Above ALL ELSE, keep all the financial decisions on YOUR plate, NOT his.

And let us know how you’re doing.

[slightlv]

17. Thank you, calimary.

I do feel like DU is a home away from home. This situation has definitely humbled me in a lot of ways, and brought up what's really important in my life. Protecting not only our monthly income, but even more important... protecting my hubby... is first and foremost.
And yes, there have been some great suggestions that I've read so far, and each and every one is sincerely appreciated.

SS comes in on Wednesday. I've given him a set amount of money we have to live on until then, in cold hard cash. And even it is stored in my wallet. He never has felt comfortable getting into my purse, let alone my wallet. So this will work, and this month everything money related falls in my court. I've got my filing set up, my notes and spreadsheet to track stuff, and am beginning to feel a little more "light" than I had been. And it gives hubby something solid to lean on, dealing with cash only. He's such a good guy, Cali. I hate this is happening to him; it's so frustrating to him.

[SleeplessinSoCal]

9. In early stages Alzheimer's, my hubby gave permission...

... to get inside the computer. I walked in on the scam in progress and shut down the computer. The guy (possibly in India) then proceeded to call us back and berate me for not allowing him to speak to my hubby. I called the FBI and also took the computer to the geek squad

David also missed paying our bills on time. (Autopay is key and hiding his credit cards). He spent endless hours. picking up groceries from a list. He passed a written driver's test at 92. But eventually driving was fraught with challengers.

I found the goal was just to keep him from knowing his mind was turning on him. I know I lost patience once in a while. But exercise, good diet and showering love are key to functioning at your highest capacity.

Good luck! Think about having a CT scan of his brain. That may show you what actions to take. Or not take

[slightlv]

18. We've already done the CT scan. That's why I know it's "normal" aging.

Not that it helps him feel better. We've always agreed we're the flip sides of the same coin. His birthday is the day before mine; where we're alike, we're 100% alike... where we're different, it's like night and day. We've always complemented each other. Even today as we both age, his mind is going while mine is still sharp. But his body still works while mine doesn't. Grandson is here to fill in the spaces inbetween. Unlike you David, my David knows his mind is bonkers. I'm the one that lived in denial until now.

[SleeplessinSoCal]

23. My David secretly told the neurologist about his concerns.

She recommended Cognitive Care Therapy once a week. Lots of puzzles, mind games, word association. This is where he was tested and eventually diagnosed on the Dementia Spectrum.

My David was very aware of his challenges in the beginning. He lived well for another 10 years, I believe because he got on the meds before an actual diagnosis.

You sound like a great team. Loving each other is the best medicine. 💕

[Lulu KC]

10. Based on personal experience

My heart goes out to you. It is really kind of mind-blowing. You are definitely not alone. But yes--you don't want to lose him, and he's not quite the same person you knew. It is emotionally very complicated. There's a book out there about "ambiguous grief" and it's pretty good at describing the feeling. He's still there, but he's not there, in a way. BUT there are some treatments, understanding of the brain has increased dramatically in the past few years, so you want to bring him back as far from the brink as possible. It's hard to have to be the brains of the family when our hearts are hurting.

So, yes, get all your passwords etc. under control. Hide account numbers so he's not as exposed to scams. It's kind of like having teenagers--the internet is dangerous and you can't control everything he sees or gets a call about. But your money is critical.

Second: Neurologist (preceded by GP)

I have seen doctors' first step when witnessing confusion is to do a B12 test. As we age, we don't hang on to it as well. Getting that above normal can make a difference and set a slightly higher baseline. Another thing--sleep apnea. This can accelerate cognitive decline dramatically. A GP can handle both those things.

But the neurologist can open so many other windows of information. Everyone I know, everywhere they live in the U.S., calls and can only book an appointment in the far future, then be put on the waitlist. Make the call, get the appointment on the books, and then wait. While waiting: Document. See if you see new clear patterns emerging. This will help you when you get the neurologist's appointment. In a case very close to me, the thing that made the person go over the line was being overwhelmed. This person used to be able to juggle six things. When it came down to more than three turning into a giant mess? Scary. And then two? Uh-oh. Often manifested in trips to the grocery store! Yes! You never know what will come home. But whatever it is, keep track. It will all blur into one if you don't make notes.

Knowing what you're dealing with will help provide focus. When you're not sure and it could be everything or nothing, it gives that feeling of, "What's going to happen next?" That creates anxiety, hyper-vigilance, fatigue, and depression for you. If you have a clearer idea of specifics you can seek action. Some things can be treated; some can't. Knowing those two lists of factors gives a foundation. If it is the beginning of a degenerative disease, they vary. If it's mild cognitive impairment, there are new habits to add to his day that will help him not fall off track as much.

A neurologist will probably do imaging and a neuropsych test. With Medicare, if you have supplemental, there should be no out-of-pocket charges. If you don't have supplemental, I am not sure how Medicare handles it, but with their population it must be getting more and more routine.

With a neuropsych test you can see if there are specific areas showing deterioration, and it will prepare you better to work with those specific things. He may test as "above average" in a bunch of things, and then there's one little area that is really in trouble. If you initiate it now, it will give you a baseline as time passes. They tend to do them annually once they see cognitive decline. Neuropsychiatrists tend to listen to the spouse very well, and help provide survival skills through whatever lies ahead.

I wish you the best. Self-care is critical. It is so good that you have friends and a grandson who know what's going on. You and your husband have a strong connection at the soul level and that will not change. In a way, it's the most important thing. But the daily life is a trip and a half.

[slightlv]

19. Love your last sentence! :)

One of the main areas we're having problems with is doctors, of all things! His long-time doc retired. Then the one he chose to replace her retired. Right now, we're between docs. I know we'd have a better chance in KC, but we're here in LV and I don't drive so well anymore (and smart enough to know when I can white-knuckle it and when I can't). My long-time doc is in Lenexa, and I'm making noises to hubby to just go to her. She and I have a good relationship, and I trust her and her referrals. She helped me a lot with my Mom before Mom went over the edge. I know there's medication out there that can probably help him. What's gone, memory-wise, is not going to come back. I'm realistic enough to know that. And I know any referrals will be in KC. But she also knows my driving issues, and can help by hopefully finding someone who has a visiting office here. I'm also taking charge of his Medicare Advantage choices this year, because I wasn't very happy with the one he had this passing year. which reminds me, it's time to ring up my broker. I'm expecting higher prices this year, because I've seen so many messages on the board talking about it. At this time in my life, I couldn't live without my todo lists!

[Attilatheblond]

11. If you haven't already, it might be time to look into laws/process for conservatoryship

My older sister's dementia got really bad and it was hard enough to get her to give up car keys. Eventually her phone had to be cancelled and all too soon... Legal status had to be put under legal protection so she couldn't get into trouble shopping on line and such.

It's hard, I know. Please know that many here understand and hope you can get your assets protected sooner rather than later.

[WhiteTara]

12. We can be sure that we're not sissies!

The challenge of walking into the unknown with the known outcome of death is almost overwhelming some days. My beloved had open-heart surgery almost 3 years ago which culminated in a NDE where his heart stopped for almost four minutes. Things have been a challenge for us both ever since. He now has orthostatic hypotension and can fall at the drop of a hat (so to speak) which has placed enormous burdens on my time and energy and anxiety on his. Falling is a very traumatic event and to fall for "no reason" is the worst.

I'm lucky in that I've always taken care of the money and bills. Sometimes he asks how things are,but mostly, he is content to not think about that.

Can you talk to your husband about changing roles now that you don't work so much? It might be a relief for him not to have that responsibility of keeping track of everything. Maybe just say, new rules, my dear and take over. Give him a different task to help with the household? But you should definitely be the money manager.

Maybe you could have a phone conference with your primary and discuss your concerns and set up various specialist appointments to pinpoint the true issue?

I am sure that you know what you need to do. It's just such a scary step knowing that you are alone, even though you are in a relationship and have your partner right at hand. I can relate and am sending you hugs and strength through the ether. You can do this.

[slightlv]

20. Thank you for your thoughts, Tara.

We've already talked about changes, and begun instituting them. So far, so good... except for the near miss of him changing our insurance carrier. Seems brokers of anything are getting much more strident in their coercions. The one thing I've noticed (besides the stridency) between them and scammers is telling the mark NOT to involve the spouse. When legit businesses start use the scammers methods, we're all at risk!

Since hubby has had his last three doctors retire on him shortly after joining them, I'm now trying to convince him to use MY long-time doc. I trust her, I know her, and through the decades we've built up a decent relationship. It'll mean more trips to the "big city" than I'd be comfortable with, but with him in the passenger seat, it'll make the trip a little less white-knuckled.

Thanks for the good energy... and back to you, as well. Thanks for being there!