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[polly7]

This message was self-deleted by its author (polly7) on Sun Apr 1, 2012, 05:36 PM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[applegrove]

1. I hope you cry often. You come to a new path at the end of a cry. You accept a loss. You need to be

done with him in your heart of hearts. You need to emotionally completely walk away. It is over. Never think of them as nice. That is your pollyannaishness speaking, thinking things and people are better than they are. And you should only ever wear your skeptical filter when dealing with them. Cry because you are pollyannaish. That is what is hurting you now. But because being a pollyanna is within you, you do have ultimate control over it. YOU ARE DONE handing any emotion over to them. There are no nice periods.

[applegrove]

8. I'm not knocking meds. I'm dependant on them for ptsd and they really work well for me.

[polly7]

14. Oh, I realize meds are lifesavers for many, many people and

I'm glad for those they help.

In my case, they just seemed to be masking feelings I needed to have in order to move on. I still have to take something for the times I wake in the middle of the night with panic attacks and night sweats, but the rest they were prescribing just turned me into a zombie. I honestly didn't mean to dismiss meds for anyone but me.

[MindMover]

2. Doublin down on what Apple said and adding.......

to never doubt your sanity or feelings...these are real and genuine.....and you can start trusting by allowing others to converse with you and share their feelings and experiences....like you are doing right now.....and sometimes your cat is the best listener......please allow yourself to chat with anyone that will listen, including your most trusted companion at this point.....wonderful that you are sharing.....

[MindMover]

9. I can only say that you will get over it when you want to get over it.....

certainly not when someone else says to get over it.......simple, right, no it is not simple, ....speaking about my own experience, I realized that I was the only one suffering for the feelings that I was having about someone that could care less about my feelings let alone his own.....or anyone else's for that matter.....so it just came to me after some self study, that I was not loving myself and worse, being destructive to my own feelings....which contributed to more self destructive attitudes and feelings.....and you get the circling effects going on inside yourself...very destructive......your decision to take yourself off rotation was also the best thing you could do for yourself and patients.....and most importantly, protecting another human being is never ever bad, unless you are enabling, then that behavior is disabling for everyone involved in that relationship......please keep on sharing

[EFerrari]

4. Yes, that happens to me.

And what he understands or doesn't understand won't ever help me get through it, so I refuse to go there and when my thoughts do, I stop them and do something else with my attention.

[polly7]

6. You're a strong person EFerarri.

I'm sure it took a lot of painful thought to get there, but I'm sure you're proud you have.

More good advice, and I appreciate it.

[EFerrari]

11. How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

[elleng]

7. I only 'got over it' after my attorney said to me,

during a break in a negotiation session, 'Oh, he's a sociopath.'

I checked the definition that night, and shortly thereafter was able to stop taking my anti-depression meds; recognized the depression had been caused by being under his thumb for many years.

Finally, after years, just settled legal matter with him, received some of what he owes me, and moving on.

It is NOT our 'fault,' we have been victimized.

BEST to you.

[elleng]

17. Don't know what I would have done about such a break in,

but reason we separated was he hit me and I left the house.

Our subsequent dispute was after he sold house; he owed me $ from sale! I'd contributed more than 50%, in fact, as you did, ended up settling for something less than the 50%.

Yes, the lies are the worst, especially as he lies to our daughters, who tho intelligent young adults don't want to know the details so remain ignorant and think their father's just swell. Damn!

OK, gotta get out into the sun.

SO SORRY about your doubt and guilt; thankfully I've never been burdened with such.

[MuseRider]

10. Been there.

Please know this, one of the hardest parts to get over is the feeling that you can never trust yourself again. You were with this person and the expectation is that he will have your back, that he will never lie or cheat or whatever. That is normal, that is the way it is supposed to be. Because that is the way it is supposed to be you are left wondering what you did wrong not what they did wrong. I think we are raised like that. I too was a pollyanna. I tried everything thinking I could make it better, I had to because after a time I realized it was up to me because he was not going to do it. See how we do that?

Then you just give up, medicate yourself and feel like crap until you finally figure out what is going on....and then it gets worse. <-----this is where you are now.

It does get better but it takes a while to really begin to heal. I don't think I ever will heal completely but I am OK with that. We were never promised an easy time of it and now that I know how I got into the situation and understand why I let it go on so long I am OK with it. It is not your fault that you expected better, it is not your fault you tried to fix it all even at your own expense.

Do not ever expect him to understand. Some do, mine did and ended up in worse shape than I was and still is. Most do not. Deep breaths, cleansing thoughts when you start to panic. Pet your cat. Get some help if you can. PTSD is a difficult thing to deal with and it does not get better easily. Try to find someone who will help you and run out of the office if they ever blame it on you. You survived and tried to make it better, he did not.

EDIT because I forgot the

[MuseRider]

15. The meds may be helpful

but you have to work on yourself too. Do not blame yourself. These are his problems, let him live with the results. If he does he may learn something. Maybe, or probably, he won't but do not trouble yourself with them. They are his.

You just need to find the woman, super is not required. Right now you are more mommy to him. Get out of it and find yourself. It is a long and very difficult process, I am still just beginning to remember who I was before all of this. I have had a lot of help. Meds got me through the beginning. Now it is just work. I have to live with what I lost, most of my productive adult years, and move ahead. That is what you need to do as well.

Don't be sorry. It is painful but something that has to be dealt with when you find yourself in that situation, we might be able to help you start the process but you need more than just us. It would have been nice to have to deal with being filthy rich instead but that is someone else's problem . Just get on with it before you find out you have lost more years. Remember, you are not his mommy and he has to learn what really happens when he has to deal with what comes after his bad behavior.

In my case, funny situation, if he just can't learn to close the front door let him be the one to get the skunk out of the house. (this is just a funny situation and example that deals with lack of responsibility in a small thing) If you find a skunk get back in your car and wait for your cell phone to ring. Just say "oh my, did you get it out yet?"

Forget the small good things, they are just that, rarely occurring and small. If you are still around him just say thanks and move on. The rest is his. Get yourself back to that specialist. Anyone who has to deal with someone like this suffers from PTSD. You have to learn to get rid of a lot of the baggage or you will not be able to move on in a healthy state of mind. Your pain is obvious and your reactions to others will suffer because of it.

[MuseRider]

18. He beat you up?

If you said that before I somehow missed it. Stay away from him. Sometimes it takes a huge change in your life, like moving away....far away and starting over. How many triggers are there where you are? How many times to you drive by a place where he started to get violent or it was a place he cheated on you, or a place he called you something horrible? How many times a day are you in a situation that causes you to flashback to something horrible? I know this is scary and I know that it might not even be possible for you but at least get out of the business you have to share with him. Can you? Can you afford not to?

The mocking and lies are all controls. He needed you for something, who knows exactly what it was for him, but the mocking and lies were to keep you in line and make him the strong one.

polly, you have been hurt beyond what most people can fathom. Thankfully my situation did not include physical abuse or I might have killed him, I went through all that as a kid and will never ever allow anyone to hurt me like that again. Well, now same with the other stuff.

I know this sounds stupid but it does work. Start a journal. Ask yourself questions and answer them. Ask again in a week and see if the answers have changed. Write about something you remember that was painful and write how you think you should have responded, as an adult removed from the situation you may be able to change how you respond to abusive situations. Write your feelings daily and most of all tell yourself what a wonderful person you are. I don't know you but I bet you are a perfectly wonderful person. Write your hopes and dreams, make some plans to get there. It sounds like you have started that already. Truly, you need someone to help you. We can support you here and give you ideas from things that have helped us and it helps us in our journeys to do so but we can only offer that.

You do not need or deserve a person who would do this to you. I know you can't trust yourself right now. I don't think I will ever trust myself or anyone else ever again but maybe you can. You made some errors in judgement. Figure out what they were and why. These things might start you on a journey that will help you discover yourself away from that situation. It hurts me to read about what you are going through but as I said, it helps more than hurts to revisit that and see what helped me the most and what I have learned and hope that you can do the same. Go into this with your eyes wide open, it is a long and difficult journey but the best one you will ever take for yourself.

Stay out of harms way with this guy. Please.

[EFerrari]

22. You don't need to apologize here, polly.

Take good care.

[Neoma]

21. Small town...

I don't trust a lot of people I know who are from small towns.

Usually they're out in the middle of no where. That usually means they're a bit cut off from the rest of the world and they have nothing to do but fuck other people over for fun. They're always trying to be big fishes in little ponds, and they don't worry about other people to get there.

That's been my experience, twice over.

[HereSince1628]

23. FYI...The approximate center of the Universe of Good Things, is Helenville WI

Population about 176 counting dogs, cats, and new litters.

It's out in the middle of no-where. But, almost all the people there have satellite television and most have cellphones, and internet access. They aren't so isolated,

And they do not fit your sterotype.

Sorry that you have had bad experiences twice.

My experience with stereotypes is that a determinative fraction of the data used to stereotype people is brought in by the stereotypist.



Concerning data????

Lightning strikes-- same place, multiple times? Look for presence of lightening rod...it's probably got something wrong with it. Often the problem is that it is incorrectly grounded.

[Neoma]

24. Ah.

I'm talking about a particular bible belt town. Cities are more democrat, rural towns are more republican typically. I have no experience with the western end of the states.

[Neoma]

26. I thought you meant Wyoming.

Jeez, talk about a personal attack.