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[Denninmi]

This message was self-deleted by its author (Denninmi) on Wed Feb 20, 2013, 12:53 PM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[MichaelSoE]

1. I have dealt with similar issues.

It is not unusual to have doubts about one's self as we all suffer from the frailties of being human.

I too had standards that were expected to be met. All too many times I did not come up to those standards and the messages I heard over and over created the self doubt. "You have so much potential." "Why can't you be more like your brother." "I expected more from you." And so on. I can only assume you know the routine oh so well.

Eventually I decided that it was my life and I was going to do what I felt was right for me. For example. My older brother was the star of the basketball team. I was tall and fairly coordinated, therefore I should play b'ball too. I did for 2 years and then finally told my father that I was not going to play, I was going to be in the school play. It was my first break through. My first step in becoming my own person and living my life, not theirs.

As I grew older I continued to hone my skills at this. I did make some mistakes, sometimes with less than desirable results. Another example is the trouble I ran into with the legal system as a result of my wanting to be a pot smoking hippie. Sometimes we can't just do what we want. But living my life the way I wanted to as opposed to fulfilling someone else's dreams and hopes. Often it is the other persons desire to have their goals filled by their son, daughter, spouse, etc. My first wife thought I would be perfect if I did this or that differently. If only I would change, I fulfill her desires to become the perfect husband. The more I tried to please her, the more I lost my self. It was the perfect formula for an unhappy marriage. (My present marriage is wonderful. We love each other for who we are and though we are not perfect we accept that fact and indeed, we relish it.)

The fact that I have a blood relationship to my family does not mean I have to like them. I am a product of their sexual activity, early input of nutrition, ideas and values but I also grew and had my own thoughts and desires. I keep what I learned from them that I deem good and useful. (They did have some good things going for themselves. There is always input, whether from family, friends, strangers, this forum. It is my job to sort through it all and decide what is useful.) Though I have written off some of my blood family I am now a fairly well adjusted human being. I am not perfect, I am me. You are not perfect, you are you and that is wonderful.

I hope that by sharing my experience you can make some headway with your dilemma. We only have one head and often there is not room to let others take up space in it. Hang in there.

[mopinko]

2. true story

when i was in art school, i had a prof that made at least one student cry per semester. he was dismissive, ridiculed people, was unable to remember names, arrogant head in the clouds bastard. and an ass pincher to boot. all his student thought he saw them as worms to be stepped on.
i was stunned one day when he pulled me and a cart full of my work into a 101 class, and told them that i had taken the first big steps to becoming an artist, and had done something real. a week later when i fired the stuff, and had an epic disaster, all he had to say was- don't forget to clean that all up. i cried while i swept.

by a series of coincidences, 20+ years later, i got to know his partner, a very nice lady that loved him for some reason. she reported back to him that she had met me, and then replied that he remembered the whole gang of us very fondly. huh?
she told me- everyone thinks he is a mean jerk, but really, he just has no social skills at all. i got to know him, and it really is true. he is a marshmallow inside. he is just bruised up and scarred like us all, and doesn't know how to make the connections he would like to have.

my opinion of him took a 180. but more important, i learned that how someone looks at you is about equal parts them and you. they see you through their own self.
so, perhaps your mother looks at you and sees failure, but perhaps it is her own failings that she sees.
even for people "in their right mind" whatever the hell that is, perception is complicated. and family is complicated.

i urge you to do what you can to share your feelings with your family. you will never know if you don't. (of course, they, in turn, will give you answers colored by their perceptions, but...)

best of luck. and don't be embarrassed.

[Tobin S.]

4. I don't think you are delusional, Denninmi, which seems to be what you are asking.

Quite the opposite. You seem to me to be seeing things accurately for the first time in a long time. Judging by your posts here, you seem to have it together way too well to be suffering from a delusional disorder.

You're just questioning yourself right now. Maybe a part of you doesn't want to believe that your life wasn't so great in the past. Maybe you are thinking that all of that stuff, even if it's true, has no effect on your life as it is right now. Maybe you are flirting with denial.

You are the only person who can confront your demons. A therapist can help you get through the process, but you have to do the fighting. Your therapist is kind of like your cut man and trainer in the corner of the ring between rounds. You have to throw the punches and take the blows.

[Tobin S.]

6. The battle is in your mind, but it is very real.

You are fighting for you. You want 100% possession of you. The conflict is inside of you. Once you get it sorted out I think you will start to see solutions to all of your external problems. That's my take.