This message was self-deleted by its author

[Denninmi]

This message was self-deleted by its author (Denninmi) on Thu Aug 16, 2012, 09:32 AM. When the original post in a discussion thread is self-deleted, the entire discussion thread is automatically locked so new replies cannot be posted.

[Bragi]

1. On the upside...

... you're a damn good writer. I say that as someone who writes for a living. There might be no real money in it for you (or anyone anymore) but that's something no-one can take away from you.

Thanks for sharing. My best wishes to you.

- B

[mia]

2. I hear you.

Your decision to start shedding those extra pounds will help you to feel better. See a doctor about your eye and let your mother know about the deterioration.

Best wishes to you!
.

[snappyturtle]

5. Look....you DO have a way out. Actually, I see two ways to alleviate your situation.

I offer this advice because I've been in your situation. I'm 18 years older and know that at 47 you
have enough time to rescue yourself into a life...YOUR life! Imagine that!

Your family thinks they're doing you a favor. Trust me on that one. Sounds as if both your mother and sister next door are financially secure and you've helped them do that! All 3 of you need to take care of yourselves. I think you are afraid to leave home. Why? You do everything there you would do if you lived alone. You have the skills. I also sense a fear of not having enough money but you do! However, putting your repair bills on a credit card cost you. Obviously you have a lot of discipline so take the $$ from your savings, avoid the interest on the cc and pay your savings back as you do on the cc. I had 27K when I did this....you'll be fine.

Take baby steps to your new life. Spend a couple hours of your 'me' time a week to explore services available to get your mother to and from doctor appointments or explore housekeeping services, yard services etc. your sister could employ. You will discover there are options for your relatives and that should alleviate the stress on you. Look into rentals for yourself. Most of all keep picturing yourself out from under your overly stressed life....you are killing yourself! You've admitted you get nothing in return. Just do a little at a time. Organize. I can't figure out what compels you to do what you do. I know I thought I was doing it out of love and a sense of obligation but that's just smoke. Your family behaves in a way that shows you no respect BECAUSE you don't respect yourself and your needs. DO IT! It's scary....but you will succeed because you have the skills.

Get your ducks in a row. That may take months but little by little start separating yourself. Your family may be flustered at first but they will survive. I said I saw a couple of options. The second one isn't as good for you but at least it might give your present life some value. GET PAID for what you do! Yes, you buy food and help with utilities but you are doing two jobs and need to be paid. If your family refuses you hopefully have done enough on option one to step away. Most importantly, LOVE yourself.

You need to be willing to spend a little of your savings....it can be replaced and you'll probably be surprised how easily once you're independent. Sorry my computer has decided to act up! This can be done...I've done it.

[elleng]

6. First, you ARE responsible,

that's why you made the decisions you made earlier, YOU were the kid who cared for your parents, figuratively and literally.

Second, take whatever out of funds, see a doc, and get anti-depression meds.

Next, what snappy said, one step at a time, you CAN do it.

[Tobin S.]

7. Hey, man

I just wanted to let you know I read your rant and I think you have every right to be very angry. I'm glad you were able to get all of that out of you. Now it may be possible to see a way out of this mess. It might be messy, but it might be something you'll find you need to do. I'll be back later to post more in this thread. I have to go do some family stuff now. Take care and take it easy for now.

[Denninmi]

8. Thank you, Tobin.

Yeah, I basically know what I need to do. Stand up for myself and quit letting everyone walk all over me.

[snappyturtle]

9. I think you're being hard on yourself. You began this journey because of your high sense

of responsibility and a wonderful ethics and morality! Those are the best qualities for one to possess. Building an independent life doesn't mean total severing of your family. I found that talking to each one separately explaining my needs was the easiest way to go. I made certain to emphasize that I had to take care of myself so as not to become a future burden to others. In my case I don't believe anyone would have 'rescued' me but I gave them the benefit of the doubt plus it helped with the separation. Remember you're not leaving them in a lurch...by offerring leads to help themselves you continue to contribute to them. It's hard...but I was really surprised at the small amount of opposition I faced. They knew. Yours will too...if not immediately then after some serious thought. Please keep us posted...no matter what you decide to do. And, remember you're not giving up helping your family 100% just not 24/7 for the rest of your life. Take your time...one small step at a time....treat yourself...maybe an extra hour on DU for each small step! You deserve it!!!!

[Tobin S.]

11. Excellent post, snappyturtle.

I used to have an unhealthy relationship with some of my family. I've done something similar to what you have suggested. I haven't totally shut them out of my life, but I've created some much needed space. I needed respect and I deserved respect, but I wasn't going to get it from them, it seemed, until I did something about it.

I didn't have a showdown at sunset kind of thing. I just started doing the kind of things that I wanted to do. When I was questioned about it I explained it in that respect.

It's going to be hard at first, Denninmi, but I think you can do it.

[fizzgig]

10. you are carrying an incredible load

and i wish you luck.

snappy has some good suggestions, small steps is what it's going to take.

we are always here to listen.

[fizzgig]

16. sounds like you're off to a good start

i saw the update below, please do get your feet taken care of quickly.

remember, just one day at a time. and don't beat yourself up for things, ok?

keep venting if you need to. i love green day, by the way. they've seen me through a lot of things, keep up with the music, it does help.

[Tobin S.]

14. Denninmi

You know what? I can tell just from your posts here that I would like you if I knew you in person. You come across as a nice guy and I think what you did for your parents all of those years might qualify you for sainthood.

You need to work through all that you've said here. If you choose to do it with a therapist, that's fine. That's the route most people take when they are dealing with long standing issues. And I bet these issues with your family go back into your childhood and not just to your early 20s.

But just getting all of this stuff out of you, and having someone witness what you have been through internally, is good I think. You are off to a great start in resolving your issues in my opinion. Keep going.

I'll tell you a little story. I had a rough childhood- physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; all of them at some point and over a long period of time. But for some reason, in my adulthood, I glossed over all of that stuff and actually used to tell people that I had a happy childhood.

I am a trucker, and one night I was out in the middle of the Utah desert and I had just shut down for the evening. For the previous two days I had been really angry. For some reason, all of the bad shit that happened to me when I was a kid came to the surface of my consciousness and I was so angry at my family. I came into this forum here and just let it all out. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. IT WAS PAINFUL AND HUMILIATING. IT FUCKED MY HEAD UP FOR LIFE.

I went through a lot of incidences that happened back then. Talk about airing dirty laundry. But you know what? Once I got all of that stuff out of my head and I had someone, the people in this forum, to witness it and be on my side...it was the start of my healing.

I'm not saying that you should go into any more detail than you have. But what you have said is the way you really feel and it is out of your head where you can see it really good now. And we will be on your side. We are your witnesses.

I continued to be angry toward my family for a couple of months after I spilled my guts here, but the anger slowly dissipated. After I had worked through my emotions I saw what I needed to do. I just needed to create some space for myself. And when I did, I found someone who truly loved me for who I am. We're married now.

One foot in front of the other, man. It's just one foot in front of the other.

[Denninmi]

21. And clearly I'm not in my "man up" mode at the moment.

Oh well, I need to toughen up.

[Denninmi]

23. And it started out well, and ended up being one Hell of a tough day.

I hope tomorrow is better.

[HelpmeHelp]

24. Thank you for this diary. Your perseverance

is giving me strength.

[Denninmi]

25. Well, I'm hardly an inspiration. I'm more of a basket case.

But you just have to keep going. No choice. It is what it is, and its up to you to make out of it what you can. That's how I feel about it right now.

In an hour I could have a completely different answer.

[Tobin S.]

27. " And I never will."

Last edited Wed Aug 15, 2012, 08:38 PM - Edit history (1)

I think you can, but it will probably take a lot of inner work. I thought there might be something like this in your history. I'm going to give you an example of what is possible.

My wife likes this show called "Ruby." It's about this morbidly obese woman named Ruby who is trying to take control of her life. I was watching an episode where she was in group therapy with several other obese women. My wife told me a little about the therapist for the group.

When she was 4 years old, her mother was having an affair with a guy from next door. When her husband was at work she would have the guy over and they'd do their thing. The child would see the man coming and going and her mother would tell her not to say anything to daddy about the man.

Then one day her father must have been suspicious and he asked the child if the man next door had been in the house when he was gone and she told him that he had. Her father went next door with a knife and sliced the man's throat. He stumbled outside, blood going everywhere, before dying. The child witnessed it.

She probably didn't have much of a father to begin with, but he was definitely gone after that. And imagine how she must have felt thinking that it was all her fault.

Well that little girl grew up to be a strong and intelligent woman, I'm sure with a lot of help along the way, and now she teaches other women who need help how to confront their demons.

I'm not saying this to downplay what you've been through. I just want to show you what is possible. What happened to you growing up has had a lasting impression on your psyche. It has molded you into who you are. It's hard to change something like that, and it might take some time, but I think you can do it. They changed your old man for the better in less than a year and it sounds like he had some pretty serious issues. I think you can do it.

[Denninmi]

28. Hey, congrats to you and your wife. That's awesome.

I'm so glad for you that you can have this in your lives.

I'll be back to other thoughts on this later. It has to simmer a while.

[Tobin S.]

29. Thank you very much!

The edit on my post above was just for a typo. I didn't change the content.

[Tobin S.]

31. I just know that you are in emotional distress and, from what you've written here,

it seemed to me that this was a long term kind of pain.