I knew a "Trad Wife".

[no_hypocrisy]

Last edited Mon Sep 30, 2024, 08:43 PM - Edit history (1)

She was my law client, and this was about 15 years ago.

She was married (obviously) and had five children in quick succession, ages 3 to 9, three girls and two boys.

Child Protection removed her children and put them in foster care. And the agency was desperately trying to terminate parental rights in order to allow adoption by the foster family.

My job was to get the kids back. As if that were the easiest part.

I discovered that she was a victim of domestic violence, and her husband controlled her physically, mentally, psychologically, and emotionally. And Child Protection first ignored that fact and denied her services for assistance. Later CP used the DV as justification to terminate her rights because she let it happen.

Her husband was a throwback Catholic, meaning Scalia and Opus Dei would be too liberal for him. He kept my client confined to the home they were renting. She and the kids only left when they had to see a doctor. He refused to let them to school, even parochial school. He was the head of the house in every way. And she gladly went along with him with no complaints.

And there's more. Not only did the husband keep my client pregnant and lactating for a decade, but he also forced himself on her sexually, including anal sex (which is used by some men for the illusion of total submission). And he hit her.

The reason they came within the radar of Child Protection was one night he strangled her. She called the police, and they arrested him. And he convinced her to drop the charges. And then he convinced her to leave the state when the investigation of the kids and the family commenced. Child Protection caught up with them and arrested him until he told them where he hid the kids.

So, I was delivered a client who was near catatonic. She could barely talk to me and to the therapist. I knew we couldn't move forward without deprogramming her. We moved her to her mother's home in another state. When she and her husband went to court, it wasn't together. I kept them separated, even preventing him from following her to the restrooms.

We had a DV hearing, and she didn't want to go to testify because she was afraid of him. We coached her enough to be in the same room with him.

I became a social worker as well as legal counsel. I got her one of the best therapists on domestic violence. My client was receptive. She filed for divorce. She got a vocational certification. She did everything the caseworker for Child Protection demanded.

And the Court returned her kids. And she and the kids have nothing to do with him since that time.

BTW, my client "won" partially because all representation was free/pro bono and I was "between jobs" at the time and could afford to dedicate all the time needed.

[Eko]

1. Awesome job.

[biophile]

2. Thank you for the help you gave that family

[Dear_Prudence]

3. Heroic work

You gave the women and also her 5 little children a chance. Must have been a challenging time foe you also.

[no_hypocrisy]

5. The husband tried his tricks to manipulate me.

When I pushed back (hard), he called me a Bitch. I still wear it like a medal.

[50 Shades Of Blue]

4. You're awesome.

[brer cat]

6. Thank you for a job well done.

You very likely saved lives.

[hlthe2b]

7. You had a very good outcome. Fortunately the Court and the Resources were available to support BOTH the woman AND

the kids. You made sure that happened and I am very happy to hear this.

In some locales, the courts are not so enlightened, and/or there are simply only enough resources for the kids to be placed in a safe environment and not to support both WITH their similarly victimized mother. My former SO provided legal services in several of those circumstances and was all too often thwarted in what he was trying to do. I was horrified hearing about it, but these are the realities around the country. Even in blue states. I understand children coming first at all costs, but to ignore the primary victim--the mother--and thus the needs of the kids to be raised by their mother because they lack resources or staff to supervise the situation is one of the biggest failings of our society. I have to say that (at least in my area) ALL involved would agree but when violence is part of the equation and the kids are at lethal risk, well, sadly your outcome is not always achieved.

[no_hypocrisy]

9. It was a war on several fronts:

1. Child Protection
2. The husband
3. The foster parents
4. The kids (because the foster parents were rich and they preferred their lifestyle)
5. My client who was shell-shocked and brainwashed
6. The first judge admitted that he saw the issue as 50/50 and decided to "rule on the side of caution".

[Clouds Passing]

8. no_hipocrisy indeed. Job well done

[Blue Owl]

10. This is the kind of domestic shit JD Vance wants

He and Dump must be kept out of the White House at all costs

[ShazzieB]

11. Whew, what a cliffhanger!

I was on the edge of my seat waiting to find out how this was going to turn out.

Kudos, you did good!

[mahina]

12. I caught two big dogs that were escaping to the beach from their home and the dog sitter last week

I did a good thing. I feel pretty good about it. I think that might be the best thing I’ve done in several years maybe longer. I mean, I do a lot. I try to help, but you never know if it’s really going to make it difference or ease suffering, any of it.

What you did on the other hand makes you a real live angel in on Earth in my eyes, and I’m very sure you’re going to heaven if there is one

[FakeNoose]

13. Great story, and I love the happy ending

[NewLarry]

14. Score one for the Good Guys!

I'm certain your good deeds are remembered gratefully.

[AllyCat]

15. Thank you is not enough,

but it’s what I have.

THANK YOU.

[GAJMac]

16. YOU!

You are the type of lawyer for whom this world cries out. I salute you and, though not a lawyer, I hope that I may service those in need as well as you have.

[Warpy]

17. Those guys are all dimpled grins and charm galore

until the ring goes on. I know women who got sucked in. A few got out. Most didn't. They all make my heart ache.

I've lived a long enough life to know the only thing any of those men ever learns when a beaten wife breaks free is "get a younger one the next time."

[relayerbob]

18. Good job! Wish there were more dedicated folks out there like you

and with resources to help these poor people

[live love laugh]

19. You're a hero 🥇

[Faux pas]

20. ...

[no_hypocrisy]

21. One of the worst moments:

Husband responding to my client's distress that they in fact were about to lose their children in court:

"It's all right. We'll make other children."

[Roxi]

23. Eww...

I don’t understand how anyone can view their children as replaceable. That’s sickening.

That guy deserves a lifetime in prison. AND castration.

Thank you for saving the woman and her children.

[NNadir]

22. Thank you. Sadly it's a story for these times. Thank you again and again and again. n/t.

[MorbidButterflyTat]

24. I don't see her as a "trad wife," she was a terrorized victim

I guess I don't get it. Her husband trapped her and their children in the house, battered and raped her, and was so traumatized by his abuse and control she couldn't be in the courtroom with him at the same time he was there, but she "...gladly went along with him with no complaints."

I'm glad she was able to escape her abuser.

Did he go to jail for his crimes against her?

[LymphocyteLover]

30. Good point. Not clear how much she wanted the "Trad wife" life or if it was forced upon her (putting aside the physical

abuse)

[Joinfortmill]

25. So much to unpack here. But, first, thank you for helping a battered woman. Not all attorney's would have...

This post has struck a long buried nerve in me. In the 50's, 60's and even the 70's until the women's movement took hold, almost every wife was a 'Trad' wife. And many women have stories: Stories about husbands beating them, raping them, taking control of their money, keeping them from working outside the home or educating themselves, monitoring their 'free' time. Some just came home and smacked their wives around because they had a bad day at work. Essentially many trad wives were prisoners, not just of their husbands but of society as a whole.

And, parents, siblings, and friends stayed out of it. As for lawyers, I have my own story about one of them, too. You see, the prevailing attitude was if your husband was mistreating you, it must be your fault. You, the beaten down, the overworked, the slapped around must be doing something to deserve this, Or worse, they blamed you because you had the bad judgement to marry the bum in the first place. Until the women's movement, there was very little support for women in these situations. Society SHAMED you for being beaten, controlled, stalked, and often raped, which was the husband's right, by the way.

All that changed for me when I read Simone de Beauvoir's book, Second Sex. I recommend everyone read it, but especially women. It will clear the cobwebs from your psyche and give you a very different view of yourself.

One final word, there are many, many fine men out there. I raised one myself. I thank God for them. To women I say, be very discerning in your choices and listen to that little voice that keeps telling you, something is 'off' here. Peace.

[LymphocyteLover]

31. I do have to wonder how many of the awful men like in this story were also raised in a similar household?

[people]

26. A wonderful and hopeful thing you did!

[OLDMDDEM]

27. You are a really good person. Thank you for making my day.

[iluvtennis]

28. Bravo - job well done! So happy this lady got her children back. n/t

[LymphocyteLover]

29. OH MY GOD! What a story. These far-right Christians are the worst. Thank you for helping her.

[kimbutgar]

32. Thank you for being so compassionate and so caring

You are a saint !

I was married briefly to a guy who had those attributes and luckily got out of that marriage without having children with him. After I remarried my current husband of 35 years the ex was remarrying and he sent me annulment papers because I took birth control while we were married ( every time I talked to my Mother she reminded me to stay on birth control pills) I took those annulment papers and threw them in the garbage. I saw a picture of him and his wife on Facebook. He didn’t age well !

[Wild blueberry]

33. Thank you

Thank you first for the wonderful work you did. And then thank you for telling the saga.

[FirstLight]

34. How horrible... and you know how many are out there unable to get help :(

I was an abused wife and mine kept me barefoot & pregnant through two babies... I ran when they were 22 and 9 months old. My ex was already groomng the 2 year old for sexual abuse. I found my computer filled with kiddie porn and since it was CA it was only a misdemeanor!

I hope that part of the new Kamala Administration will have more access and assistance for those in need...

[LiberalFighter]

35. Need more like you.

Too many in a domestic violence relationship that should not be.

More better stories for women in those situations.

[KT2000]

36. Thank you

[chouchou]

37. My third thought (after unbelievable sorrow for her)..was a certain someone else WE know.

He enters the reality of people..destroys their life..make them miserable and then blames everyone else....

[geardaddy]

38. You are a hero!

[Happy Hoosier]

39. Wow... you dun good. NT

[HeartsCanHope]

40. Thank you so much for what you did to help her! You went above and beyond.

I knew a few women who went through the hell you described. Some had help from other family members, and others had to go it alone. Thank goodness all the women I knew made it out alive. So many women don't. No woman should go through that, ever! Thank you for sharing her story. Thank you again for all you did for your client and her family.

[cab67]

41. bless you

[Evolve Dammit]

42. Great effort on your part and appreciate the "case study." I still don't know what TRAD is? though. So out of touch....

[no_hypocrisy]

46. What is a Trad Wife

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/15/opinion/tradwife-tiktok.html

https://www.parents.com/tradwife-meaning-and-why-its-controversial-8656603#:~:text=Unlike%20stay%2Dat%2Dhome%20moms,in%20their%20necessity%20and%20virtue.%E2%80%9D

https://www.newyorker.com/culture/persons-of-interest/the-rise-and-fall-of-the-trad-wife#:~:text=Though%20many%20trad%20wives%20voice,and%20incomprehension%20of%20her%20followers.

[Aristus]

43. Well done!

I don't have the words. But you did a monumental thing in helping a fellow human being escape from a human monster.

[Fla Dem]

44. You may not want to admit it, but YOU ARE A HERO!

Against all odds you saved that woman and reunited her with her children. There is a special place in heaven for people like you.

I don't know if you could, but I hope you had a chance to follow her and her children's lives after they were reunited.

You are a hero to me.

[no_hypocrisy]

45. Thanks. I get updates from my client and her mother.

She's a single mother. Three of the five children went to college, one with a scholarship.

She returned to court to get child support and her ex-husband has no legal rights to the children, obviously no visitation rights.

Ex-husband re-married and his new wife found out what a jerk he was and divorced him as well.

[Fla Dem]

47. OMG, what a wonderful continuing story.

3 out of her 5 children went to college. I hope good fortune continues for the family.