Spurious News: DHS Secretary Noem revises aircraft request to one $165 million plane
WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has made recent headlines for her demand for two $100 million Gulfstream business jets for her personal use. Today she altered her request to one aircraft.
"I understand that it was inappropriate for me to ask for two fancy jets at a time when the government is supposed to be tightening its belt," said Secretary Noem. "I have reduced my requisition to one aircraft in the hopes all America can come together after this."
The aircraft Secretary Noem has requested instead of the two Gulfstreams is a Lockheed Martin AC-130J gunship. Equipped with 30mm machine guns, a 105mm howitzer and a vast array of other weapons including laser-guided bombs, the aircraft will be primarily used to support the Department of Immigration and Customs Enforcement's reign of terror.
"We're calling it the Death Star," said Secretary Noem. "In the movie Star Wars the Empire decided to keep the population of all the worlds under the Empire's control compliant by building a space station that could destroy an entire planet with one shot. In the same way, DHS's Death Star will be able to get rid of immigrants by being able to destroy their neighborhoods in just a few seconds. We see it as the ultimate game changer."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" said George Lucas, the director who created the Star Wars universe and the Death Star. "No one on the face of the planet believes the Death Star was a good thing, at least up till now. It was always created as the embodiment of pure evil, which tells you where the Trump Administration's head is at."