Spurious News: Trump releases Epstein Files - sorta!
PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- "You assholes won't shut up about the fucking Epstein Files,": said King Donald Trump at a televised press conference on the back lawn at his home in this oceanside resort. "We told you there's no Epstein Files. We told you I'm not in those goddamned files. You claim I must be lying about them. We're here to set the record straight."
On a signal, a forklift driver appeared with a pallet containing four 55-gallon drums. Trump climbed up on the pallet, removed the lids, and pushed them off the pallet. A fine gray ash filled all four barrels and spilled out onto the ground.
"Here's your fucking Epstein Files, assholes. Yeah, I fuckin' burned them and because I declared burning that shit to be an official duty of the president you can't do dick to me. Now get off my lawn."
Presidential ethics investigators claim Trump's act was "consistent with Trump." Said Mary Jones, a presidential historian at Harvard,
"for most presidents burning evidence you're most likely in is highly unethical and an impeachable offense. Trump does whatever the fuck he wants and half of Congress has already sold its soul for a cheap hat, so I guess we have to just live with it."