Spurious News: Owner of Gristedes Supermarkets unveiled as motivator for Democrat's come-from-behind win
NEW YORK (Spurious News Network) -- "He gave me no choice," said an unnamed voter. "Seeing those shitty supermarkets closed once and for all was worth casting my ballot for Mamdani."
John Catsimatidis is the CEO of Gristedes Supermarkets, a chain of thirty broadly-disliked grocery stores in Manhattan. On June 18, Mr. Catsimatidis threatened to close or sell the chain if Zohran Mamdani, a Democratic Socialist who currently serves as a New York State Assemblyman - the Assembly is the lower house of the New York state legislature - and who is campaigning for the office of Mayor of New York City on a platform calling for the establishment of one city-owned supermarket in each of New York's five boroughs, is elected mayor in November.
Before Mr. Catsimatidis' threat Mr. Mamdani was polling slightly ahead of former New York governor Andrew Cuomo after starting his campaign as a distant longshot. Mr. Catsimatidis' comment blew the race wide open, and Manhattanites couldn't be more thrilled.
"I'm the only Trump voter in Murray Hill," said Henry Smith, a resident of Third Avenue. "The Murray Hill Republican Central Committee is me. I don't think before this election I ever even dreamt of voting for a Democrat - even someone I personally know and like, which has happened. But after I found out that pig Catsimatidis threatened to close his useless stores if Mamdani won, the choice was clear. I immediately changed my registration to Democratic and I've never been happier."
Former Gristedes employee Desiree Green also made the choice to support Mr. Mamdani after Mr. Catsimatidis made his threat. "During orientation we were taught the process for appealing a paycheck if it was short. No one said you were going to do it every time you got paid, but that's what we had to do. It will be pretty easy to compete with one store per borough because the boroughs are massive if you're on foot, but that idiot doesn't seem to comprehend."
Mr. Catsimitadis' antics have also attracted the New York State Board of Elections. According to Commissioner Essma Bagnuola, "He seems to have thrown the election to Zohran Mamdani without reporting it as an in-kind campaign contribution. Because Mr. Mamdani isn't the candidate he was trying to throw the election to we're willing to let that one slide, but we'll be visiting him to get the paperwork he needs to file after having done it filled out."
= new reply since forum marked as read
