BREAKING NEWS: White House announces President Trump as recipient of the Noble Prize
The White House announced today that President Donald Trump has been awarded what it claims to be “the most prestigious peace prize ever, period.”
During a briefing in front of reporters, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced that President Trump was the sole recipient of the 2025 Noble Prize for Peaceful Peaceability and Peace.
For the record, the Noble Prize for Peaceful Peaceability and Peace is not to be confused with the Nobel Peace Prize, the well-known medal named in honor of Swedish inventor and industrialist Alfred Nobel. That award has been bestowed annually since 1901 to individuals who demonstrate outstanding contributions towards peace for humanity in efforts such as arms reduction, negotiated resolutions aimed at ending longstanding conflicts, and measures meant to reduce global poverty, disease and hunger.
On the other hand, there appears to be no public record of any Noble Prize being awarded to any individual before 2025.
Levitt bristled at the idea that the White House had somehow manufactured the award in the hopes of confusing the public into thinking that Trump had actually been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
“Noble means ‘good’ or ‘honorable,’” Leavitt told reporters. “As in peace being good and honorable. I don’t know how many of you all actually know that, but it’s just plain, basic English, okay? It has absolutely nothing to do with some silly, made-up Swedish word that you’d probably find on a coat rack at IKEA.”
Leavitt stressed that the Noble Prize was not simply made up for the benefit of Trump’s ego and as a means to assuage his frustration at not ever having been honored with its longstanding counterpart.
“Would the recipient of the 2013 Michigan Man of the Year lie to the public about winning a non-existent award?” Levitt asked. “I think both you and I know the answer to that question.”
Leavitt also denied that it was Trump himself who came up with the award, stating that “others” had been involved in awarding Trump the Noble Prize, but was immediately pressed by reporters to identify such persons.
“The kids—well, at least Don Jr. and Eric,” Leavitt responded. “Not sure about the rest. Um, Stevie Miller definitely had a hand in it. Oh, and Catturd! Catturd was absolutely a key player throughout the process.”
Leavitt described the Noble Prize itself as the “most magnificent and fashionable” of all the peace prizes.
Unlike the medal for the Nobel Prize—which is 6.6 centimeters in diameter and comprised of 18 carat gold—Leavitt said the Noble Prize is 6.6 inches in diameter, because “this is America and we don’t do metric.”
Additionally, the Noble Prize medal will be made of full 24 carat gold, as Leavitt said, “President Trump will accept no substitutes.”
Leavitt added that the Noble Prize comes with additional perks and benefits for the winner, including $10 billion (made payable either in U.S. dollars or Bitcoin), a lifetime membership to the Noble Cheese of the Month club, and a coupon for half-off the purchase price of the foreign airliner of his or her choice.
Leavitt said that Trump “absolutely” would be wearing his medal every chance he possibly gets, adding, “He earned it, so why shouldn't he?”
The White House press secretary was then asked exactly what basis Trump had actually earned the purported Noble Prize.
“President Trump has been solely responsible for negotiating a peaceful end of so, so many of the world’s deadliest armed conflicts raging today,” Leavitt answered. “Just to name a few off the top of my head, I’m talking about Israel-Iran. Israel-Palestine. Russia-Ukraine. India-Pakistan. Rwanda-Congo. United Kingdom-Northern Ireland. Japan-South Korea. And so, so many more. Thanks to President Trump, war is over and peace rules the land.”
At that point, some members of the media pointed out that nearly all of those wars or disputes Leavitt listed remained ongoing to date, the conflict between the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland ended nearly 30 years ago, and that Japan and South Korea are close trading partners and not engaged in any current state of hostilities with one another.
“Yet,” Leavitt attempted to correct the press. “They’re not at war with each other yet. But you just wait and see. They will be at war with one another soon enough, we guarantee you that. And when that happens, President Trump will be the one who ends it.”
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Bummer!
...but hopefully not dull.
Just like with The Onion, I was into the 3rd paragraph before I realized what was going on. 
Because when you get down to it. there is nothing too absurd for this clown car.