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Help! I, Vladimir Putin, Cannot Choose Between Elon Musk And Donald Trump! -- Wonkette
https://www.wonkette.com/p/help-i-vladimir-putin-cannot-chooseGary Legum
It's always tough to be stuck between two friends breaking up.
Das vidanya, tiny Wonkette suck monkeys! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, president of Russia, lord of the Motherland, and potentate of all the realms of the earth. Yes, all of them! Also, am excellent hockey player.
Is busy time here in Russia. You perhaps heard about phony Nazi nation of Ukraine and its “surprise” drone attack on Russian homeland. Was not surprise! Russia knew all along! We were planning on decommissioning all those Tu-95s anyway. Then glorious Russian intelligence officers found out about attack and figured, let Ukraine do work for us. Ha ha!
No, we do not have replacement for Tu-95 yet. We are like your DOGE – destroy everything and then figure out if you needed any of it. Is fine, we still have plenty of submarines with nuclear missiles, and not all of them have sunk yet.
I tell your President Trump all of this when we spoke this week. I say, Donald, Russia is not enemy. You are very greatest American to ever visit Russia. We would make you Hero of Soviet Union if that was still a thing. Russian people build shrines in homes and toast with vodka every night. And if they don’t, we shoot them! Ha ha ha! Was just little joke. Then he say, is good idea, I knew Russian people were smart. Why do we not have such shrines in American homes? I will tell Stephen Miller to get started writing up executive order!
I, Vladimir, thought about talking him down, but honestly, is funny! Imagine Miller, who looks a bit like disgraceful Yevgeny Prigozhin who made rookie mistake of not checking plane for grenades before takeoff, writing such order! You have seen way he writes, yes? Trakhni menya, is he terrible! So long-winded and dramatic, even Tolstoy would tell him to, how you say, take it down notch.
And this is before Miller’s wife absconded from White House with boy-man Elon Musk. Now will be worse, everything he writes will be Anna Karenina but super racist.
. . .
Is busy time here in Russia. You perhaps heard about phony Nazi nation of Ukraine and its “surprise” drone attack on Russian homeland. Was not surprise! Russia knew all along! We were planning on decommissioning all those Tu-95s anyway. Then glorious Russian intelligence officers found out about attack and figured, let Ukraine do work for us. Ha ha!
No, we do not have replacement for Tu-95 yet. We are like your DOGE – destroy everything and then figure out if you needed any of it. Is fine, we still have plenty of submarines with nuclear missiles, and not all of them have sunk yet.
I tell your President Trump all of this when we spoke this week. I say, Donald, Russia is not enemy. You are very greatest American to ever visit Russia. We would make you Hero of Soviet Union if that was still a thing. Russian people build shrines in homes and toast with vodka every night. And if they don’t, we shoot them! Ha ha ha! Was just little joke. Then he say, is good idea, I knew Russian people were smart. Why do we not have such shrines in American homes? I will tell Stephen Miller to get started writing up executive order!
I, Vladimir, thought about talking him down, but honestly, is funny! Imagine Miller, who looks a bit like disgraceful Yevgeny Prigozhin who made rookie mistake of not checking plane for grenades before takeoff, writing such order! You have seen way he writes, yes? Trakhni menya, is he terrible! So long-winded and dramatic, even Tolstoy would tell him to, how you say, take it down notch.
And this is before Miller’s wife absconded from White House with boy-man Elon Musk. Now will be worse, everything he writes will be Anna Karenina but super racist.
. . .
And a long tale of Sasha and Irina and Vladimir and rotting fish and trump and melania and more....
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