Say, Why Not Have One Really FRIENDLY Day Instead? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
At the rate we’re normalizing this shit, within five years we’ll be lamenting the commercialization of the official Day of Violence. Your kids’ll come home from school hopped up on sugar from the candy in the lynched Pence piñata, and the whole family’ll gather in the living room, to sip mulled horse dewormer while rewatching all those corny Lifetime specials, where the disillusioned big city girl returns to her hometown and reunites with the (Proud) boy next door to burn down all the ethnic restaurants on Main Street.
(I bet you know this by now, but if you click this link, you’ll be whisked away to a magical land of links n’ shininess; https://showercapblog.com/say-why-not-have-one-really-friendly-day-instead/)
Aw, who’re we to begrudge our proto-fascist brothers and sisters their “one really violent day,” anyhow? One day of dictatorship, one Kristallnacht, bomb threats and half price appetizers during happy hour every other Tuesday, surely that’s fair.
Yeah, shit’s getting downright freaky, here in the closing weeks of the 2024 campaign. In Off-Brand Orbán’s defense, his assessment, that driving millions of brainwashed voters insane with fear and hate represents his best chance of avoiding prison time, is probably accurate.
Faraway caravans are so 2018, now migrants are about to “walk into your kitchen and cut your throat." Memories of playground nicknames like Crooked Hillary and Sleepy Joe seem almost whimsical as he snarls that his opponent is “mentally impaired,” in between rants about waterless restrooms and former hetero life mate Kim Jong-un’s plot to assassinate him.
In such context, Jack Smith’s new filing probably hit the Children of the Candy Corn as welcome confirmation of their Turd Emperor’s willingness to actually commit the crimes most wannabe autocrats only fantasize about.
I suppose the biggest takeaway from the filing was that one insurrectionist shitbag’s “make them riot” line, shocking evidence that the massive conspiracy that lost more than 50 court cases actually accomplished one of its goals.
Anyway, I understand why the Dotard’s wranglers pulled him out of that 60 Minutes interview; aside from their entirely reasonable fear of granting the electorate a second side-by-side comparison with Vice President Harris, he’s certainly colicky enough these days to issue orders more specific than “stand back and stand by.”
Not that his stochastic murder mob really needs concrete direction. Let’s round up a few headlines from our exceptionally healthy democracy, shall we? I don’t really know how to make jokes about this shit, so maybe just imagine Stephen Miller taking a pie to the face after each one:
An Ohio Businessman Faces Death Threats for Praising His Haitian Workers
As election threats rise, Justice Dept. says its options are limited
Philly-Area Republican Couple Threatened After Filming Kamala Harris Ad
…yeah, I dunno, I think they’re gonna have trouble squeezing everything into just one day. (Did the pie thing help? No? Well, I tried.)
Oh, I almost forgot to mention it, but in a second Trump term, in addition to the menstrual surveillance and legal retaliation targeting political opponents, there will be no overtime. Populism sure is wacky.
Well, JD Vance poured himself into his very best skin suit, lewdly cooed “I’d fuck me” to his reflection, and ventured out to play Normal Human Boy for the duration of the vice presidential debate. And y’know what? Since the moderators never asked him to order donuts, he almost pulled it off, but for the stuck hog squeal he emitted upon having one of his racist lies fact-checked.
JD needs his lies like he needs Peter Thiel’s money. Ol’ Timmy Walz really flummoxed him with that exchange on the 2020 election, too. “C’mon, you gotta let me have the BIG lie, that’s Unca Donnie’s favorite!”
In the devastating aftermath of Hurricane Helene, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris rowed from house to house, looting Real Americans’ homes of belovéd family heirlooms to ship to Ukraine and/or undocumented immigrants. FEMA spokesman Notseth Rich proclaimed the disaster “the most successful test to date” of the Deep State’s weather modification technology, though they’re optimistic that as soon as 2035, they’ll be able to target Republican voters in their beds, while leaving neighboring drag queen story hours unscathed.
…that’s what I read online, anyway. One wonders, with our misinformation-mangled media ecosystem, which will have further reach: Trump’s malicious lies about the current administration’s response, or the firsthand witness accounts of his own politicization of disaster relief? Guess we’ll find out November 5th.
Either way, somebody should ask Marjorie Taylor Greene if there’s anything those Jewish space lasers can’t do? Wildfires, hurricanes, no doubt they make julienne fries.
Apparently Melania tried to charge CNN a quarter of a million dollars for an interview, no doubt buoyed by her recent success in extorting similar sums from the Log Cabin Republicans, and while I admire the confidence, you’re probably only gonna see numbers like that from groups fearing imprisonment in camps in the Reich to come.
Amazingly, that merits mere runner-up status to this week’s champion grifter: Oklahoma Schools Superintendent Ryan Walters, who hatched a dorky little plot to steer his nowhere-near-constitutional order for 55,000 Bibles for use in public schools to his favorite celebrity rapist. He’s not gonna fuck you, Ryan.
I see Tom Cotton hasn’t allowed the calamitous unpopularity of the idea to dampen his dream of gutting Obamacare. I’m guessing injuries sustained at the hands of law enforcement while exercising what you quaintly believe to be your “free speech rights” will not be covered under whatever Tom and his fashy friends deign to leave us with, so this feels like a good spot to link to the Tester, Allred, and Mucarsel-Powell fundraising sites.
God will have his vengeance for separating Tina Peters from her precious “magnetic mattress” for the next nine years…according to Tina Peters. Not sure if the abovementioned deity was consulted in Peters’ plot to hack state election systems on behalf of a treasonously deranged bedding merchant, but best brace for a plague of unusually unintelligent locusts, just in case.
Impending Klobuchar belt notch Royce White apparently believes “the bad guys won in WWII,” so I guess Black Nazis are a bonafide thing, who knew?
Tennessee Congresscreep Tim Burchett called George Soros “a money changer of the worst kind,” which I think means he’s extra Jewish.
Somehow, despite the normally foolproof strategy of betting everything on white supremacists and the inherent coolness of the letter “x,” Elon Musk has managed to piss, fritter, and donkey punch away nearly 80% of Twitter’s value. That said, industry insiders expect the “free blue checkmark with every cross burning” promotion slated for Black Friday weekend to turn the beleaguered social media platform’s fortunes around.
In contrast, the Biden/Harris Administration remains the same job-creatin’, strike-avertin’, disaster-relievin’ machine it’s always been, but polls say Americans narrowly prefer the rapist who told us to drink bleach to steward the economy. You see why I drink.
Longtime readers no doubt recognize the transition to the traditional Rattling of the Tip Jar, styled as a “beer fund” as part of my adorable Drunken Scamp in a Bathrobe and Luchador Mask persona, “Shower Cap.” Now accepting Cash App, Venmo, and even PayPal.
Or, for the low, low cost of absolutely nothing, you can share this post on social media, join the email list at showercapblog.com, or follow @john_luzar on what’s left of Twitter. Whatever you do, or don’t do, stay safe out there, my friend…
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Thanks for your highly entertaining blogs.
